So how does someone like you become disenfranchised?

I promised in my first post to tell the little bit of my story that has been happening over the last while and how I came to feel marginalized and disenfranchised in the Church.  I've been shying away from putting it out there, because it's not a really nice one, but it's been weighing me down a lot.  But today is the feast day of St. Alphonsus.  Much of my own faith formation happened with his order, the Redemptorists, and a particular quote of his frames this story.  "May we be untiring in love, so that we serve all with a generous and creative heart."

I'm going to start by recognizing that a significant portion of my distance from the community of the Church over the last year is because of my own pride.  That's important because letting that go is an ongoing challenge for me.

I'm not 100% sure the best place to start this story.  It's kind of all over the map.  I guess a conversation with a friend who is a priest really frames it well.  I was expressing some displeasure with an article the friend had posted online.  I felt it was pretty heavy on the judgemental tone, and I was projecting that judgement on to myself.  It was a friendly conversation, and in it the friend expressed surprise that I felt like I was on the fringes of the Church.  In his words, he saw me as a bulwark of the faith.  I think that's representation of my history.  I was on the fringes as a teenager, but through the care and invitation of some amazing folks, was brought in, welcomed, and built up over many, many years.  I started volunteering and participating a lot, and eventually worked full time in youth ministry.

That moved on, but I stayed connected through music ministry.  I lead a choir, and when I couldn't lead anymore, I passed that on to an amazing musician, and stayed on as a player.  I invested a lot of time, effort, and love to that ministry.  I learned guitar, bass, banjo and mandolin specifically to adapt to the needs of the different groups I played in, and invested a lot of money in high quality instruments, suitable for Mass.  I was invited to lead music for large groups, play in praise and worship bands, and teach others about music in liturgy.  I invested in my liturgical education.  I went to every diocesan sponsored workshop and offering, travelled to liturgical music conferences, talked to other Catholic musicians, read books.  I became very passionate about music, specifically music in Catholic liturgies.  I was sent for formation in this ministry by the leaders in my Church, and trust in that formation.  My mission was to lead engaging, meaningful, and appropriate music in Mass.  I worked hard to find and learn music that the congregation could participate in, was culturally relevant to young people, without being exclusive to them, was community oriented, focussed on God, was solemn and joyful, and high enough quality to be expressed as prayer during the Eucharist.  I connected to the Mass in ways that were deeply meaningful to me, and always experienced joy from the amazing participation of our congregation.  I was also blessed with many compliments, all of which I pass on credit to God for.

Now, with all of this said, I know music is universal in two things.  The first is its ability to stir the heart, and inspire.  It is so powerful, and when it is done well, serves the Mass in amazing ways.  The second is that everyone has an opinion on it.  The music we lead at Mass, that I learned from the Church how to lead, isn't for everyone.  Contemporary liturgical music doesn't stir the hearts of some people (please note, I am speaking of liturgical music, not rock-masses, not praise and worship, not Christian pop top 40).  Folk music from the early days of the post Vatican II Church is all some parishioners know, and what they love, for others it turns their stomach.  Some of the people I am close to connect to traditional chants in a deeply powerful way that I am in awe of, but that I have never experienced.  At the same time I have been moved to tears by Taize chanting.  Because of this, music is something people tend to disagree on from time to time.  I accept this as normal, natural, and important.

I'm realizing as I write this, that the story is going to be pretty long.  I think I'll end it here and call it Part 1.  There's a natural break here and I'll finish the story tomorrow.